AllBodySurgery.com - Is it just me? Or do people feel the same?

Is it just me? Or do people feel the same?

There she is, finally asleep. She's lying right next to me in her stroller.. it was the only place she'd asleep. I looked over at her and I remember before I got pregnant. Everything was all about me. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Just like 99% of girls, I dreamed of one day having a baby.. but, I didn't know it'd be so soon. Then, I remembered finding out I was pregnant. Was it the ideal time? No. Was it a happy time? No. Was I completely devistated? No. I was naeseated and sick and tired for the first five months and I could barely walk the last few months. Although I didn't have the perfect body before getting pregnant.. I had totally lost any sort of pleasing shape I did have. I knew everything would change, but I didn't know to what extent. It wasn't until the night before the Cesarean that I began crying and crying and crying and realizing just how different everything would be. I so wasn't ready.. I was too young.. I liked being up at night and I wanted to go to school. I wasn't ready for a baby. I woke up late the day of the cesarean and went to the park. I cried there too. I just wished there was something I could do to put it off longer. The ride to the hospital was quiet. I was so nervous and trying so hard to hold back tears that I thought it'd be best to not say anything at all. After getting called into the hospital room, switching into hospital clothing and lying down, the tears just came back. The nurse asked me what was wrong and I told her that I was scared of the surgery and even more afraid of having a baby. She said it was normal and that a lot of women have told her that. As I sat there, alone, listening only to the heart beats of the baby in my stomach on the monitor screen, I knew my life was over. It seems like it all went by so quickly. Into the operating room, the epidural, lying down, getting cut open.. and then the screams. Everyone in the room said, "It's a Girl!" and unlike the moms I'd seen on all those Birthing Shows, I didn't cry or smile. They brought the baby over to me and upon looking at her I felt nothing. In the recovery room I felt like such a bad mom.. I didn't have any feelings towards my baby at all! The hospital stay went by real quick and I was able to bring her home. It was true.. everything had changed. -I couldn't stay out all night anymore -I couldn't go to the park for my midnight swinging -I couldn't sleep through the day and stay awake all night -I couldn't walk out the door whenever I felt like it Although I knew this would happen.. it really doesn't hit you until it DOES happen. For weeks and weeks all I could do was cry and sit with this feeling of misery. I didn't have that strong love for my baby AND I couldn't be myself anymore. Then, one night at 12AM, Carrie was crying and wouldn't sleep and someone said to me "Enjoy your baby now.. because they grow up so fast." For the first time I realized I was spending so much time longing for the way things used to be that I couldn't enjoy the amazing things I was able to experience now. That's when I looked at Carrie and truly felt in love. It may sound strange to say that I "fell in love with" my baby.. but that's exactly what it was. Being a mom is one of the most amazing and rewarding and difficult things I've ever experienced. I sometimes think back on my freedom, my favorite activites, my sleeping uninterupted and I no longer feel sad. I smile because that was an awesome part of my life, too. I just looked at Carrie, sleeping in her stroller next to me, and I cried. Not because I'm sad, not because I'm regretful, but because even after everything I've gone through.. If I could go back in time to my care-free, no responsibility life and change things, I wouldn't. The love I have for her is unlike any other and makes every single hard thing I've gone through completely and 100% worth it. She'll never know just how much I went through or how much I love her and it's okay. Having her probably hasn't made me a smarter person and it probably hasn't made me more personable.. but she makes me happier than I've ever been and, for that, I owe my life to her just as much as she owes hers to me.

Public Comments

What a lovely story. And the honesty... wow. Congratulations on your baby and seeing her for the beautiful person she is. Just wait till you see what she does FOR you. (Up until recently you've only been able to see what she's done "to" you.) There's so much more. Watch as you experience all her happiness, pain, joy, conflict, and fear right beside her. Her pain is your pain, just as her joy is yours too. I'm so happy for you for making this transition. You'll do well. To answer your question, yes other moms feel that way too. It's part of that unexplainable bond, but I dont think I've ever seen it so beautifully captured/written.
Awh...that was so beautiful! and yes ...I can still relate...even tho its been years....and I miss my babies still...
I wasn't concerned about what I was losing, like you, but I fell in love with my child the minute I saw her. Its like my heart melted. I had a very very rough life growing up. My heart was like a stone, until I met her. I still picture that moment in my mind, it changed me instantly. You will go thru a lot with your little girl, alot of emotions. I became slightly paranoid about her safety at all times. But you will be fine. Appreciate and love the wonderful gift God has given you. Putting her first and you will never go wrong. Remember discipline is love too. It is work every minute of every day, but it is the best and most important job you will have.
It sounds like postpartum depression hit you early and hard. It's different for every woman. Especially when the baby is completely unplanned. It sounds like right from the beginning you understood what your responsibilities would be and you didn't ignore them even when you missed your life from before having your daughter. I don't know if it's normal or not, I'm only seven weeks pregnant. I do know that a few friends of mine have had some crazy emotions after having their babies. One friend left her child on the changing table and went to the kitchen to have a cry when her baby was only three months old (old enough to roll over). She felt like the worst person in the world because her baby's safety wasn't the first thing on her mind. It sounds like you've figured this out though. That makes all the difference. Good luck to you and your daughter!
aawwww, hun, the end of that gave me goose bumps, seriously it was so sweet. i know how you mean when you say you fell in love with her, that's exactly what it was like for me too, i love all my kids but as soon as they laid them on me i was IN LOVE, know what i mean? i had my first when i was 18, and wow was it life changing, i missed out on so so much, but i wouldn't change any of it now. my little 4 month old was asleep on my tummy the other day and i remember just looking at her and my eyes filled with tears just from how much i loved her and how perfect she was. it sounds to me like your going to be a great mum. it really life changing isn't it. keep up the good work
That was lovely, and yes...I feel the same!!
I think a lot of Moms feel the way you do. Some feel it sooner and some feel it later. I remember feeling an attachment to my daughter, but when I could truly reflect back on her birth and everything we went through to have her and how my life changed for the better, I knew I was in love with my daughter. I really like your story and think it's beautiful! I think you should write it all down for your daughter and put it in her baby book or save it for her when she's older. When she has a baby of her own someday, she'll know exactly what you mean and exactly what you felt for her.
I have heard similar stories you are not alone in that some people don't have an instant connection! But the point is, you have it! I love being a mom too!! It is the most amazing thing in the whole world! People tell you to enjoy it and you should but those first few months are hard to enjoy because they are a blur! Good for you! I don't know how old your baby is but you def. have a lot to look forward too! My son just turned 2 and he is just a mess he got in white out the other day and painted his 4 wheeler! He has specks all over his face that wont come off!! Your story truly is heart warming! :)
Awww that was a beautiful story and yes , Im a mother of three and I felt like you did when I had my first daughter. Im just like you though I wouldn't trade my children for my freedom for nothing in the world.
WOW! This would make a great pamphlet for ALL new moms! NOT just the younger ones! Too often women IGNORE telling each othert the TRUTH about the birth experience. No one quite mentions how "strange " and detached you may feel... no one tells us how NORMAL it is to be ODD~ lack of sleep and the fact that your body is trying to heal from major trauma make it NORMAL to feel as you did and do. PRAISE GOD that you turned the corner INTO motherhood. With your talent for words, YOU will help other moms. Good Job! I want to pass along my 5 rules of parenting that will help you in the future: 1) 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interest. It does not keep track of wrongs. Love is not happy with evil. But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken. It always protects. It always trusts. It never gives up. Love never fails. 2) Do unto others as you would have done to YOU. 3) A parent will make mistakes, as you~ the child will. I will not let my pride deny my mistakes. 4) You will NOT hide your mistakes, because you need not fear me. 5) WASH YOUR HANDS FREQUENTLY to PROTECT against the things I can NOT protect you FROM. Debra Ackley (debrazgalaxy)
It is not just you! And it's not just very young mothers experiencing unplanned pregnacies and parenthood, either! This is way more common than people think, but women don't usually talk about it because it sounds so...well, awful or bad. I was an adult in my 20's when I had my first. I was married and my child was planned. But I still remember knowing on an intellectual level that things would be different and change drastically, that my life was no longer just my own. But KNOWING at the personal, experience level was a big shock. I, too, cried alot both before and after his birth. I did love my child, but didn't "fall in love" with him truly for a few more weeks. It took a while for the whole thing to really sink in and be "real". So, no it's not just you and you are certainly not alone. I'm now 40. 3 years ago I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child. This time it was unplanned and I was not married, though I was (and am) in love with her father and we'd already talked of marriage. I was very unhappy to have that positive test because the other kids were older and I was beginning to enjoy some freedom again. I cried about the impending loss of my newly improved figure (I'd recently lost 80 lbs before that pregnancy), and I was angry about having to put off school and other things yet again. However, I wouldn't go back and change a thing! My little one is 2 1/2 and giving me a new appreciation of my own parenting, giving me another chance at improvement, and just giving me a great deal of love and happiness. I wish you and your daugther love and good health. And your question/essay was well written, very moving.
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i think what you experienced was normal because you weren't prepared and ready for a child. it is natural to be scared and not want to give up the life that you were happy with. it sounds like you were going through a state of depression and when it lifted, you were able to really see that yes, things were great before but they could be great again, just different. and that allowed you to love your baby instead of resenting her.